My Idiotic Friend...

Hello! I am back after a self imposed exile (was lazy and hence did not blog would be so predictable) I am more than 100 percent sure no one missed me or shall I say My blog. But, we have to bear with some relationships (in this case, its me) irrespective of what we think about them or the frustration(my blog) that they bring along with them. But, have you ever wondered that even I can get irritated? (I am fully aware sounds improbable as irritating others is my full time occupation) But the truth is yes I can, and there is this idiotic friend of mine who annoys me to no end. The sole reason of writing this post is to ease my frustration that went through the roof with his latest act!

Making his name public would be slightly insulting to him (and dangerous to me) so I'll use his pet name that suits him perfectly - s i L L y !

Note : (Only for Ishaank & Kshitij) Sorry to disappoint you guys, it's not about whom you were hoping!

I have known this guy - siLLy for years now! Nearly chaddi-buddys, if you like! But the association is not something, that I like. He has been too much of a pain. I mean nearly everything about him is so IRRITATING! Forget it ! I'll just narrate the recent idiotic act of his which has triggered my reaction, which in turn is forcing you guys to read this post!
siLLy was recently driving in one of suburbs of Mumbai. His mobile phone was constantly ringing. He got off the road, took his call and started to drive again! Once again his phone started buzzing. He just looked into his phone and decided not to take the call, keeping his handset aside. The next very moment a traffic policeman, (I can't use the name we generally use for them on the blog) on his motorbike, overtook his car and beckoned siLLy to pull over. According to the traffic havaldaar, siLLy was using his mobile phone so he had to be fined. siLLy tried to reason with him that he wasn't using the mobile but the policeman was in no mood to listen. Policeman said technically keeping the mobile phone 'ON' in itself is an offence. That very moment the policeman's phone started playing 'mann ka radio...' - that was his ring tone. siLLy then noticed that the policeman wasn't wearing his name batch which also displays the registered number of a policeman. (He knew very well that policemen use this tactic when they don't want to be identified and obviously not because its a secret operation) Our Mr. Righteous started arguing with the policeman (imagine) that he himself was also not following the rules. Policeman just smiled and gave no jawaab, all he was interested was in the hisaab. So, siLLy frustrated with the quality of the conversation and being himself (IDIOT) asked the policeman the question that he was waiting for. " Fine kitti aahe?" Havaldaar grinned broadly and said in somewhat thundering voice - " 600 rupees !" - (Yes in English, I think they also watch a lot of Hindi films where important dialogues are always delivered in English). Now, like all sane men, even women for that matter, anybody would have smiled back at the policeman, made him his/her uncle, tried to persuade him to go easy on the fine part (For a complete guide to this technique anyone can write to me - I believe in social service) and eventually get yourself out of there very lightly. Thus, making it a 'win-win' situation for all - that's what the management gurus would term it. But justifying his pet name, siLLy calls it a social evil - 'corruption' - Just to get out of there quickly, he said he was ready to pay the fine then and there. The policeman was taken aback and could not believe what he had just heard (neither could I) so, the policeman asked him again if he was sure he wanted to do this. Our hero replied in affirmative. (Blunders are many-a-times self created ones) Sulking by now and irritated the policeman himself offered an 'understanding' way out of the fine. But, no siLLy just wouldn't budge! (As they say in a Sanskrit proverb - Vinaasha kaale vipereet buddhi) The havaldaar gave up! (he must have cursed himself for wasting so much time on a weirdo like siLLy) Wanting to vent his frustration the policeman said "Good! Our salaries come from people like you!" (I am sure he said this part with a lot of disdain) To this the angry young man of ours replied, "I am not too sure if you were actually interested in your salary !" (What audacity!) siLLy got a receipt from the policeman who kept his driving license and asked him to collect it the next day by paying the fine (yes 600 - that's at least 3 movie tickets in suburbs or nice meal) from a traffic chowki of that suburb. Not the one to be perturbed (mad men never are) he took it and left. (Mistake? Blunder! You will know why!)

siLLy's receipt read that he had to pay the fine within four days at the Chowki to get his license back or else after four days he would have to go to the Mumbai Traffic Police Head Office, Worli. If he failed to collect it from there, a case will be registered in the court. (He will not admit now but reading the last one must have given siLLy a scare). Back to the story !(I know the post is getting long but so is the story) Next day siLLy went to the Chowki. On handing over the chalaan to the constable who was collecting the fine, the constable instantly looked at siLLy. Please note the description of the look, its a reference point for rest of the post. Look was exactly what would be on any one's face when they see a stark naked beggar running in the middle of the road - a mixture of unpleasant surprise, amusement, disgust and pity all at the same time. We will call it SNB (stark naked beggar) Look. The constable held the look for a little while till he again confirmed the offence mentioned on the chalaan. Handing over chalaan back to siLLy, he said the offence was a serious one and now the rule was to send the license to the head office (Worli) directly as the police wanted to deal with offenders very sternly. (offenders who refused to pay the bribe is what he actually meant) siLLy asked him how come the rule changed in a day's time when just a day prior, the havaldaar said something else to him. Reply was "He must not have been aware!" 'How silly!' thought our siLLy. Looking at a very disgruntled siLLy, the constable got all philosophical and said to him, " Why try to swim against the tide, you won't be able to do it for long." Not just stopping at that, he even dropped a bomb - "Your license also might be cancelled as the authorities have become very serious." (Ideal situation for an overtly Idealistic man. I say he deserved it)

Now with some serious tension he decided to visit the head office after seven days as he was told to. He went all the way to Worli. ( He stays in Thane and works near Goregaon) He couldn't find a place to park. The situation that he was in and the place that he was visiting he could hardly afford another offence. After a lot of struggle he found a place and entered the intimidating premises. He tried to enquire about the place where they collected fine. Nearly 99% of the people present there were policemen but none could answer his query. He finally found an 'Inquiry' counter which was closed. Next to it, at the entrance of the multi-storeyed building was desk which looked like some down graded version of a reception of an official building. But above the desk read a sign board in Marathi ' No Inquires' (normally there would be a word 'please' in the sign but What the hell ? Its Police Head Office) Having no other option he gathered some courage and asked the two Policemen sitting there about paying the fine. Of the two policemen, one just kept on nodding his head. (siLLy still doesn't know whether this guy did not understand the question or didn't know the answer). The other one was helpful but didn't know anything. He gave siLLy the SNB look. (who wouldn't?) And he scared the hell out of siLLy by reiterating the fact that his license could be suspended. To add to the woes he even informed that at that very moment a meeting was being held in the above chambers to discuss even more stringent measures against offences like drunk driving and using the mobile phone while driving. Finally, he found someone who could tell him What to do! After giving him the SNB look, (siLLy was getting used to it) that aged man told him that, the licences for these serious offences do not ever come to the Head Office but they are taken to the local sessions court. In siLLy's case Mulund court! He was told all he has to do is pay fine to the clerk in the court and get his license back. He was quite scared by now and inquired many times if it meant filling of the case. He was very strongly assured No! (All this for what?)

siLLy went to the court, by now very scared and anticipating that its not going to be as simple as he'd thought. (he had spoken to me by then and all I wanted to do was to slap him) He reached the court at 8:00 am. There was no one there that early other than the struggling lawyers, the chaiwala and some people who looked like they were hardened criminals. (siLLy later described them as the look alikes of the sidekicks of the 70s villains) Whoever he asked about finding the concerned person, first wanted to know siLLy's story, (slowly it was getting lengthier just like the post), then threw him a SNB look (it had become a ritual by now) and then informed siLLy that he did not know anything. The concerned person turned up 2 hours later, 45 minutes late than he was suppose to report. He asked siLLy to join him in his office. The office was as large as what a toilet cubicle is (no iota of exaggeration) Right next to his desk was the lock up where the petty criminals were holed up before the court proceedings. The place was stinking much worse than a public toilet. The clerk said he will try to help him but it would be  very difficult on such serious offences. (Your difficulty is my opportunity is what the clerk seemed to have lived by) He made siLLy wait for another half and hour till he dealt with the rickshaw drivers and other minor offenders. To siLLy's surprise (only his) the drivers were handing over 20 or 30 rupees and getting their license back without any receipt. ('chai paani' as we 'popularly' know it) Waiting there anxiously, he quitely hoped that some other someone would turn up for a similar offence as his but, none appeared whatsoever. After getting to know siLLy's offence the clerk replied in sentences like - "Thoda thambava langnaar! offence motha aahe! mee tari kaay karu? mee kaay Mukhya-Mantri (Chief Minister) aahe?" After such quite irrelevant responses the clerk finally said something that mattered to siLLy. (by now the clerk had realised what kind of a fool he was dealing with) The clerk asked him to come the next day and he would present him in front of the Judge in the court where siLLy would have to plead guilty to the offence, then on the discretion of the judge he would have to pay the fine or his license would be suspended or any punishment that the judge found appropriate! If anyone, absolutely anyone who has read this post up till here kindly try to recollect (I know it seems like a past life) that all this for an offence which he actually did not commit. But siLLy (moron/idiot) really did not have any other option. He enquired lastly if in a worst case scenario, would he be jailed? And hence is it advisable to have a lawyer? To this the 'helpful' clerk replied - " May be or may be not. How would I be able to answer that? If I could, wouldn't I be a Judge myself?" Answering the simplest of queries in the most ambiguous way is a trademark of a government employee. Now with a reasonable amount of worry, siLLy left the court premises.

siLLy had still not told anyone other than me about this. (I don't want to know such 'secrets') And had decided that he would Not take a lawyer but had asked me to be constantly in touch with him the next day and if the need  be,  call for the lawyer. Friends are someone whom we choose, so they are special, is what the usually claim is. But, whoever said choices cannot be wrong. In this case mine is and so I was paying the price for it. (Another example is you who is paying the price by having to read this) Back to the story! The next day arrived! siLLy reached sharp at 9:00 am as he was asked to. He constantly kept on glancing towards the lock up wondering if he would land up there. If not that, probably his license would be suspended. 'Driving is Privilege. Not a Right' - this statement written at the back of the license (book type) started to haunt him. After a long hour of wait, full of tense moments, came the clerk. After much persuasion he started the procedure. siLLy, walking along with the clerk in the aisle felt like a bakra that is being dragged towards the butcher. As he reached the entrance of the courtroom he was asked by the constable there to switch off his mobile phone.(saari musibat ki jad) As he entered the courtroom, he saw, the criminals were kept at the opposite end of the Judge. It was not similar to what they showed in Hindi films, siLLy later told me. He was slightly relieved when he was not asked to sit with those criminals, who looked like they were having a gala time. He then was instructed by the clerk as to how to behave in front of the Judge. How to bow and related mannerisms. (siLLy was aware 'contempt of court' was the last thing he could afford now.) So he listened intently. Finally, the typist, sitting below the judge took siLLy's papers from the clerk and with the nod of a head enquired who the offender was. When he got to know the offender was siLLy, he threw a SNB look . Then he called out siLLy's name loudly just like they do in Films -"siLLy hazeer ho!" As tutored, siLLY bowed in front of the Judge and stood their politely. siLLy tells me at that very moment he realised how serious everything had become and he said he was very scared. Standing in front of a Judge for an offence was hurting his middle class values. But the Judge glanced at him. Scolded him, more in an advising manner than actually authoritative. He then asked the clerk to collect a fine of Rs. 500 (100 rupees discount) from him. And out came siLLy of the courtroom relieved. But, final twist to the tale is pending (I know its going on and on) The clerk was adamant on taking the credit for everything. He took the money from siLLy, gave him back the license but was very reluctant to give the receipt. Having done all that he had, siLLy wasn't going to let this happen. (A normal person would just run away from that place but our hero is a retard) He was too happy to get his license back and now with that back in his pocket he demanded the receipt. The clerk kept on dilly-dyling. During this time two of the clerk's colleagues who probably had come for their share, threw a look far more disgusting than the SNB towards siLLy. (It hardly affected him now. He was more than used to it.) Finally, the clerk handed over the receipt with an extremely heavy heart.

Ya End off the story! Finally! But the Moral of the story is still remaining. (yes you are subjected to that torture too) When I asked him has he finally learnt his lesson and hopefully he wouldn't be so stupid again. (I meant he should like all normal if not smart people just get it over with at the initial stage. The system is as such! Lets face it paying bribe is easier and convenient.) And siLLy answered my question by saying that he had learnt his lesson! He is never ever going to even touch the phone when he is in the car. According to the MORON that is the mistake that caused him the trouble and not hi wannabe 'Harishchandra' attitude. By then I realised my head was throbbing. (it tends to happen when we try to bang our head against the wall) I hope now atleast you will agree that his pet name is justified. (after reading such a long post one might agree to anything)

I apologise for such a, such a long post. I have beaten my own record. But blame it on my friend - siLLy. He is to be blamed for this. Please do write in your comments and let me know if you agree with me that actually even the Judge might have given siLLy a SNB look. Till then take care and spread the cheer ! . . . . . nP.